


Too Many Pieces

by SamJoinedtheReconCorps



Series: A Flame in the Shadows [15]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, Feelings, M/M, Post ep 80, Regret, Worry, at the edge of feelings, oh luxon we sure are in it now, soft looks, spoilers for ep 97, unspoken feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:48:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23149540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamJoinedtheReconCorps/pseuds/SamJoinedtheReconCorps
Summary: The Mighty Nein return from their mission in the Lotusden. Essek meets up with them at the Xhorhaus for a conversation.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Series: A Flame in the Shadows [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1648909
Comments: 30
Kudos: 142





	Too Many Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> alrighty, so here's the next fic in the series!!!! This one just hit different guys like going through and writing for this just...it hit different
> 
> and I just….i just found out something that ended me gang….it ended me and I cant even tell y’all yet...more details to come….
> 
> anyway, I really hope you guys enjoy this fic!!

Caleb shuts his book, finishing with his mediation to draw in some of the arcane energy he’d already used throughout the day. He could feel it humming in his veins, settling beneath his skin once more. It made his skin itch with raw energy - not with that sick, prickly feeling he got whenever he thought of the crystals embedded in his flesh.

Everyone else had been planning how they were to best approach the coming mission, deciding on setting off through the night rather than camping out. It was honestly the best option if they wanted to make it to the Wraithroot tree in time to beat Obann to the heart.

“I - I heard some of that, not much of it,” he admitted, getting up from where he’d been seated and looking up at the group. “Another thing we could do when we’re there is I could throw up the dome - while we’re there. And then you would have the dome to run -” He gestures to himself, “Not me, I would be stuck inside of it but you could run into it and out of it in case shit goes down.”

“That did work very well with the white dragon,” Beau nodded.

“It worked  _ so _ well,” Jester agreed.

“But we wouldn’t have you in - in there to help us,” Nott pointed out.

“Not necessarily so,” Caleb said, a smile tugging at his lips. “Thanks to our man, Essek.”

“Oh,” Nott grinned, raising a curious brow.

“What do you mean?” Fjord asked, also giving him an interested look.

“You can put up the dome but not be in it?” Nott guessed.

Caleb looked down at his hands, trying to hide his excited smile as the tactile memory surfaced in his mind, of Essek’s hand on his as he pressed into Caleb’s back. “He has shown me how to realize other versions of myself.”

“That’s really smart,” Jester whispered, just as excited as Caleb. She’d been the only one who’d seen the spell Essek had taught him, after all.

Nott gasped. “He  _ polished _ your dome?”

Beau stifled a laugh as Caleb’s face grew bright red. “That’s not what happened,” he clarified, thinking of the feeling of Essek against his back, their fingers threaded where Essek had placed his hand on Caleb’s hip, how he’d whispered into Caleb’s ear, so close when they looked at each other that Caleb could’ve leaned in and closed the distance between them.

“But wait,” Jest spoke up, breaking Caleb out of his thoughts. “I think what he - didn’t he say as soon as your other version casts a spell they disappeared, right?”

He had said that - but in the rush of the moment he’d forgotten to ask how exactly that would work when casting spells that had a longer duration, spells that required concentration. “Um, we’ll find out,” Caleb shrugged.

“Oh, good,” Fjord sighed, giving a nervous laugh. “Yes, let’s find out in the middle of it now.”

“So that thing could cast the dome?” Jester asks, miming the dome with her hands.

“No, no, no,” Caleb shook his head. Because although his echo  _ could _ cast the dome, that wasn’t exactly the plan that Caleb had in mind. “I’m saying I would cast the dome and sit within it. And then you guys would have this great buffer between you and our enemies you could run into and out of.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I could have most of our  _ teleportation circle _ drawn and you guys could pop in, pop out if, if we thought that they were going to descend upon us - and I could also help from within by using dunamancy.” He makes a ‘so-so’ motion with his hands. “To a limited extent, but still.” But still, even now, he thought, Essek was helping them.

“I like it,” Beau nods.

“That’s a good option,” Fjord agrees.

Nott looks up into the canopy of trees, as if staring into a far off distance. “Let’s fly.”

* * *

Everything at the Wraithroot Tree had gone to shit.

Obann got the heart. He had the skull. He had Yasha. And then they’d disappeared.

Now, back at the Xhorhaus, Caleb knew they should be counting their lucky stars that they hadn’t been massacred out there, but this was just one more loss to add to their growing pile - it was discouraging, disheartening, and it made him feel like an utter failure.

It also made them all realize that what they sorely needed was allies.

“There is maybe some use in, um, dancing with the one we brought and, uh, talk to Essek, or the Queen herself - probably Essek,” Caleb suggested. “And see if we are done being vetted.” Which was a legitimate excuse for going to Essek, a real reason to go to him, but Caleb also just - he wanted to see him. Wanted to see how he could fix the way the Mighty Nein had fucked things up with Essek - fix the way  _ he _ had fucked things up with Essek. He wanted to fix something in this broken pile of failures.

Caleb shook his head. Now wasn’t the time for that. “And if we can get some assistance in the way that we think would be useful, or to get them to pay attention to what we seem to be like the only ones who are paying attention to.”

“To be honest, what’s the worst that could happen? Either we, either we die alone or we die as a part of something,” Caduceus says, and that resonates deeply within the group.

Die alone, or die as a part of something - either way, when faced with a threat like the Angel of Irons, they were going to die. Caleb thought of his scars, of the way the crystals had pierced his skin and cut through his heart, making him so reluctant and averse and repelled to be a part of anything ever again.

He looks around at their small group, at his family. This was worth it - there were worse deaths than dying as a part of something. There were worse deaths than dying with friends, fighting to protect everything they knew and loved.

* * *

“ _ Essek, we’re back, _ ” Jester chimes in, giving him an excuse to focus on something else rather than the reports he was reading. _ “We really need to talk to you, if you have the time, because it's super important. Also, you’re super cool, we miss - _ ”

He couldn’t help but smile as she was cut off. Her message helped alleviate some of his worry about their journey in the Lotusden - worry about how they’d done, and worry that they might not even want to talk to him anymore after how he’d acted.

“ _ Ah, this is good to hear _ ,” Essek replied. _ “I’m glad you returned, I assume safely. _ ” He glanced down at the report, the one about the break in, wanting to just leave it and go see what was so important, but knowing he needed to get that worked out and sent off to the Lucid Bastion. There were no reports today about the Angel of Irons, and he wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. He looked up at the ceiling, cursing himself for his high powered position. _ “I will go ahead and pass on by within the hour. _ ”

Taking a deep breath, he straightened himself up again, finishing up with his reports before setting off to the Xhorhaus with his escort. He didn’t like having the guards with him, but if those were the orders from the Bright Queen herself, he wasn’t going to be able to shake them off.

The pair followed him past the Xhorhaus gate, right up to the door, where Essek knocked then waited for them to answer. He could hear voices inside, muffled behind the thick Vermaloc wood, before it was opening, the chimes sounding as Caduceus gave him an easy smile, his brows raising when he saw the guards that flanked Essek.

“Hello,” Essek greeted, giving a tiny bow. “Um -” He glanced at the guards, then back at Caduceus. “I - I apologize for the, um,” he gestures to the Kryn soldiers. “Companions. Ah, there was apparently a, ah, a break-in last night, into some records and as such, ah, we’re just being more careful.”

Jester peeked out from behind Caduceus, eyes wide. “Oh my gosh.”

“So, anyway, um -” He turned to the guards, waving them away. “Wait outside, if you don’t mind.” 

Giving Essek a small nod, the guards moved to stand a few feet away from the front door, keeping an eye on the street.

Satisfied, Essek turned back to see Caduceus holding the door wide open, waiting for him to come inside. He does so, gliding past the threshold to see the rest of the Mighty Nein sitting around the living space - and they all look absolutely exhausted.

Essek catches sight of Caleb, sees that he looks tired, but unharmed. “So, ah, I see you have all arrived safely. How - how did the venture go?”

“Not well,” Caduceus answers from behind after shutting the door, the chimes ringing for a second before falling silent.

Jester, now perched on the arm of the armchair Beauregard sits at, looks down at her boots. “It went real, real bad, Essek.”

He immediately wishes he had stayed the day before. Maybe he could have helped - maybe things could have been different. “I am sorry to hear that.”

“So are we,” Jester frowns, picking at a loose thread on her skirt.

“Unsuccessful again,” Fjord sighs, dejected and pointedly staring out into space. “We seem to be in a never-ending chase after that which we are trying to prevent.”

“Which means Obann is one step closer to his overall goal, and potentially not on this plane with us anymore,” Beauregard finishes, meeting Essek’s gaze.

Troubling - definitely troubling all around, but, given the scope of the threat, Essek knew they shouldn’t be so hard on themselves. If anything, they should be admired for going out to fight and try to stop Obann’s plot despite how difficult that was proving to be. Essek needed to set his own plans and favors aside - he didn’t want the Mighty Nein stretching themselves thin, trying to fight on two fronts.

“I think, given the circumstances, and how, ah, how dire this growth seems to be of this individual you’ve been after,” he looks at them, taking in their tired, weary faces. “Perhaps we put our specific endeavor on hold while you pursue this one, yes?”

“Pursue Obann…?” Veth asked.

Jester looks up, smoothing out the wrinkles of her skirt almost nervously. “Here’s the thing - I think we’re a little bit out of our depths. He’s pretty powerful and he just woke up somebody else.” Her expression grows clouded with anxiety. “The-the Inevitable End.”

The Inevitable End...the name tugs on the back of Essek’s mind. He looks down, trying to draw what he knows forward but when he tries to reach for it it escapes him. He turns to them. “Alright, I will - I will put some research into this. I already have a few operatives looking to infiltrate - to locate and infiltrate - ah, the cult of the Angel of Irons, you said it was?” Caduceus and Jester both nod. “In hopes of gathering more information.”

“You have?” Jester asks.

“Yes,” he confirms, “since you gave me this information a while back.”

“Thank you,” Fjord gets out, sounding almost stunned. He now seems to be back in the conversation, no longer looking away.

“We just didn’t know if you were really listening to us or not,” Jester adds.

Essek doesn’t know why that bothers him so much. They had been trying so hard, working tirelessly, telling him about it and asking him for help - and all the while not knowing whether he was even listening. It brought an unexpected tightness to his throat that he swallowed down.

“I’m - to be fair,” he steepled his fingers from underneath his cloak, trying to keep them from shaking. “I have a lot of plates I’m spinning at any given point in time. Ah, this is one,” he gestures towards them, referring to their Angel of Irons mission. “And I’m now giving it a bit more prominence, so…” he trails off. “I apologize to have misled you to think otherwise.” He knew what it felt like to be ignored, to be brushed off to the side. And he also knew what it felt like when the people who did that were rude about it. He glances at Caleb. “And I also apologize for my attitude yesterday. I have been under some pressure.”

“Not at all,” Caleb answers, and Essek feels a weight lift off his shoulders. “We are trying to be of use here.” His eyes are blazing, brightening from the dejected look they held only moments ago. “Can we be of use?”

The way that Caleb looks at him makes him burn. He averts his gaze, looking to the floor. “Um -” he starts, before glancing at the door. Still closed, still probably muffling their voices. “Your usefulness currently, by the mind of the Bright Queen, is in offering a - a tactical advantage or any information you’ve gleaned from the Empire’s military movements. You’ve been a great aid in that once already, and so they are very interested in anything else you’ve heard.” He sighs. “Locally, I don’t know what much you can do, but, just speaking of the interests above me, if there’s any information you can find, glean, or have heard, of any sort of military movements of the Empire that could put us in a continuous advantageous position, she’ll be extremely grateful.”

“There - there is, I think, one thing that we could say that -” Caduceus pauses, as if considering his words. “There’s something that if it were considered could be advantageous, although, to an uncreative mind it may not seem useful.” He’s silent for a beat before continuing, “There are more than two parties at work in this conflict of yours, and I think this dual thinking is going to be the end of you if you’re not careful. And I would say that we feel pretty confident that there are people within the Empire working against the Empire, and there are people in the Dynasty working against the Dynasty.”

Essek blinks once, wondering if he’d heard that correctly.

“- and perhaps these people are working together. And if you are one of those people, and we’re hoping you’re not, then this information will never go any further than this and that’s the end of that,” Caduceus said. 

He felt as if he’d been brought out under the burning sun before being shoved into a pool of ice. Essek felt hot and prickly, his chest constricting as he fought to take a breath.

“But if you’re not, maybe it will make its way higher up,” Caduceus finished.

The heat was burning, but it was only made so much worse by the deathly cold that gripped him afterwards - they  _ suspected _ , they  _ knew _ there was someone on the inside, it was only a matter of time -

“We feel more firmly than ever that this war is a game,” Caleb added. “That these two nations are being thrust into for someone else’s purposes.”

_ It’s not a game though _ , he wants to cry out.  _ Not a game, never a game - Essek never wanted his selfish search for power to end in war _ .

For all his dunamantic studies, he had just not looked far ahead enough to know that his actions would be the drop that broke the dam. He’d proven every single person in the Dynasty right - every single person who had ever told him he was too young to understand.

But - but they were asking about agents of the Angel of Irons, not about what he was a part of. His heart sank. There were four parties at play - the Assembly, who had Essek under their thumb, the Dynasty, the Empire, and the Angel of Irons cult. So many pieces, so many players - and the Mighty Nein getting into the thick of it.

“I - I appreciate your candor,” Essek managed to get out. He looked down. There was no way out of this - what was set in motion years ago couldn’t be undone so easily. But Essek knew that if anyone could do it, it was the Mighty Nein - even if it did mean his own fall from grace.

“ _ We are friends now _ .”

Essek only hoped their friendship would still remain, once everything came to light - he could only hope for their mercy as they condemned him for his actions.

Not now though. They had enough to take care of - they needed Yasha back, and worrying about the things Essek had done would only make them lose their focus. And besides...he wanted to tell them on his own terms, wanted to confess to them at the right time, with the right words.

He gave a quiet nod. “I will take this information to the right, trusted few, and only after very careful vetting on my end as well. If what you say is true, then that is...very much, ah, disconcerting.” The understatement of the century.

Caleb watched him carefully, expression unreadable - but there it was again, that feeling of absolute vulnerability, of complete transparency when pinned by Caleb’s gaze.

“We appreciate that,” Caduceus said, drawing him out from beneath Caleb’s look.

“Well -” Essek started.

“Good luck,” Caduceus added, and for some reason Essek had a feeling that Caduceus was wishing him luck not in his delivery of the news and information, but instead for when he finally told them. He was wishing him luck for when he finally came clean.

“You as well,” Essek answered quickly. “Um - should any more concrete - anything I can bring to the Bright Queen about this threat that you’re after, this Obann, this Angel of Irons,” Essek brought up again, changing the subject if only slightly. “Whether I find it first or you do, but anything that you think could draw her attention away from this conflict and perhaps focus on this thing -”

“They said that Caedogeist was a, ah, a servant of who? Of -?” Jester began.

“Lolth,” both Caleb and Beauregard answer.

That name - even though Essek had been brought up under the worship of the Luxon, he has heard enough scary stories from his mother when he was a child and read enough of the horrifying accounts of drow history under the Spider Queen’s banner to know that any servant of Lolth was a threat to the Dynasty.

He nods, feeling his eyes widen as the severity of it all threatens to overwhelm him. “That is certainly of interest to the Queen.”

“She had a contract with Asmodeus,” Beauregard adds.

Things were just getting worse by the second. The Queen of Spiders and the Lord of the Hells - great. “That is a strange union - I’m not brushed up on my history but…” he trails off.

“Referred to as an assassin for Lolth,” Caleb finished.

Assassin for Lolth. This was now a new member of the Angel of Irons cult that the Mighty Nein would be facing.

“I will look into this,” Essek promised.

“We will, ah, share whatever information we can without compromising our very complicated position,” Caduceus told him.

Jester smiled. “I’ll keep in touch with you.”

Essek gave her a hesitant smile. “I am certain you will - your timing is impeccable.”

“We’re gonna be like, best friends, all the time, just think of it,” Jester hummed. “Is there a certain time of day that’s like, better for me to contact you, so that maybe I’m not interrupting anything?”

It was odd that such a small question would help lighten the dreary mood all the news was putting him in. She cared enough to ask what would be convenient for him - she was trying to make things easier for  _ him _ .

“Preferably no later than midnight, Xhorhas time,” Essek told her.

“Okay,” Jester nodded, turning to Caleb. “I’ll ask you - you’ll remember, Caleb, what time it is here all the time,  _ ja _ ?”

“ _ Ja _ ,” Caleb answered easily, and now upon hearing that - well, Essek was already a mess of mixed and complicated emotions, why not add another into the mix.

“And, would you like, like a breakfast message, if possible? Do you like your dinner messages? When do you check your correspondence?” she asked.

“I don’t think it would make a difference,” Essek shrugged. “So, whatever suits your fancy.”

Her smile widened slowly. “Okay.”

That was worrying for a whole slew of other reasons, but Essek would much rather deal with Jester-related, Jester-created modes of chaos rather than their current situation.

He sighed. “Good luck,” he said, meaning it wholeheartedly.

“Same to you,” Fjord nodded.

“Thank you,” he replied.

“Don’t trust anyone,” Veth advised. Her eyes widened. “Not even us.”

“N-nott, we want him to trust us,” Fjord gently chided.

Veth maintained eye contact with Essek, shaking her head. “Don’t even trust us.”

“Stop - stop,” Jester scolded lightly, then turned to Essek. “She’s just fucking with you.”

Hearing that coming from Jester just makes Veth’s advice seem all the more ridiculous, even as she makes an  _ I’m watching you _ motion at him. Essek has never truly trusted anyone before - until they came along.

It was terrifying.

“Right,” Essek nodded, that internal realization settling heavy in his chest. “Anyway, um, keep in touch.” He gives them one last sweeping look, letting his gaze linger on Caleb, hoping Caleb can read him, can read everything he’s too afraid to say in the way he holds Caleb’s gaze.

Then he turns around and leaves, ushered outside by the sound of tinkling bells and met with the guards that will escort him back to his home - not even realizing that he wasn’t going to be seeing the Mighty Nein again for weeks.

Maybe, if he had known, Essek might have said something. Maybe, if he had known, he might have confessed - about his sins or his feelings or both, consequences be damned.

But Essek didn’t know that, and so he simply glided through the Firmaments, glancing up at the bright tree - the Mighty Nein’s own personal beacon - one last time, letting it soothe some of his anxieties before continuing on his way.

**Author's Note:**

> soooo, yeaaaaah, that conversation with Essek, like fuck guys that shit ended me Essek was SWEATING and Caduceus and Caleb were just out here catching him unawares it RUINED me I loved it so much
> 
> but after this there's that good chunk of time before Essek hears from them again :((((( and this is when imma also put in a quick little time skip for me so that I can finish up my finals - I got up to 10 pages on my 15 page Fitzgerald paper, so hopefully I finish that one quickly so I can do my other essay and my logic final!!!!
> 
> you guys have been the absolute bestest readers, and I will try to be back as soon as I can!! Thank you so much for reading and I really hope you guys liked this fic!!
> 
> Through the Trees | Critical Role | Campaign 2, Episode 79 - 1:36:10  
> The Folding Halls | Critical Role | Campaign 2, Episode 80 - 15:10, 52:10 - 1:04:10


End file.
